Wednesday, 31 December 2014


    31st December 365/365
    I am the very best at putting things off. And there is no even an explainable reason for that, as I have quite a lot of time in my hands. On weekends particulary when I just fee like not leaving my bed in the mornings till like 1pm and then I wonder how the weekends pass so quickly. Makes no sense. Yet the workdays are now filled with learning about what working in an office means. I recently talked with long lost friend (we used to be besties, who do everything together when we were little, somehow we grew apart, it just sort of happened gradually) about how you may study anything these days, but at the end you will be sitting 8 hours by computer screen on daily basis in an office. And that is the end. Bam. You have achieved being in a loop of days that feel the same. Even though you may go through various clients/problems/emails/happenings, still the days feel kind of the same. I may say that there are ups and downs and even though at first I could not imagine myself enjoying such type of job one bit, I have become used to it and sometimes even found of it. Might be that someday I would share more information regarding what my everyday day work consists of. As sort of, you know, writing it down for remembering what it was like later, when these are just going to be memories upon how it was like. I already know that this cannot be a long-term job, but for some time, it will fulfill my rather wasted days (at least that is how I may consider the months during Summer, happily spent, but yet without a higher purpose, therefore wasted).
   Yet I do think about the importance of branding oneself these days. A lot of people, like literally thousands of people these days are who they are and make their living that way, which I find rather awesome. And I have wished to give it a shot, but as it just goes - life goes, time is spent on other activities and here is another year, ending and I am just once again realising that I have not done it. But the 2015 must be more about creating. The past year I may admit that I went through my blank page phase, which made me unable to draw (which I usually enjoy), take pictures (which is a bit of undeveloped hobby), DIY things (I used to re-touch some clothes and accessories every now and then). So, yes, I am currently thinking of some New Year's resolutions, to live by, to lead my life a little happier than I am at this very moment. As I started ths post, there are quite a plenty of things I wish to do and achieve and push myself to limits. And go beyond them. Yet time does not wait for anybody and for the hell of it, any day may be our very last one. And for that matter, does anything even matter, like for real. I think we, most of us, care too much about other may think. May. I want to stress this word, because we live in assumptions that may not ever become real. So why bother with everyone when it matters to be truly liked by yourself and have a couple of people who think alike. We cannot take anyone, even closest friends, for granted, but it is important to connect with few minds who think alike. It is important to value those close ones. And not let friendships die. Which happens when life gets busy. 
   And I am feeling rather sleepy than excited for the even of New Year. I truly hope that the proverb that went something like -how you start your year will be how you have it- and I am feeling awfully. Like my head is so heavy, I must have caught a cold in this freezing weather, which is no shocker. I must improve my English, I write it down as another of resolutions. Like I have been doing mutually. I actually managed going through my subscription box on youtube to watch few of videos, look through twitter, put on lush face mask, eat homemade gingerbread and more. The whole putting things off aspect is just killing me. I need to learn to concentrate, put focus on one thing at the time, otherwise by doing a bit of everything is hard if not impossible to fully commit to everything. There are truly a ton of things I feel like I need to do. And yet again, I put things off. This must be changed. 

    Let's make the best of the days we have, no matter how many years those will be. 

Monday, 18 August 2014

11th August

     I just wrote April instead of August. Now I am left here thinking whenever I am stuck on time or am I looking forward to next Spring already. 
     That day I started writing this, 11th August, wass a birthday to a person who I can't label. We used to study together, went out and yet somehow still managed to be friends. Those who meet rarely, but can catch up from the moment we didn't. Like always finding something to talk about. Though we rarely see each other. I mean, I rarely see the most of my people. Because everyone gets so busy that spare time is such a precious thing. You may not yet know that, enjoying the Summer holiday within that doing something yet nothing particular. Nothing big, nothing that could be called as an achievement. Like learning a new language, learning to take decent photos or becoming a guru of something. Social media, blogs and vlogs count. Because they are the thing, now. I have also wanted to try those, but never really got over the ''rarely posting'' phase. Not even mediocre. That's me.
     Though, I wish I was less passive, to become an actual creator. But in times when you can google anything to see that it has already been said or made - it's hard. Living in this stage of technology that makes everything so easy to share rather makes me question why can we even do that. Why are people so interested in others and what they have done. 
     I guess it's the pure old idea that everyone has a story, their life story to tell. And there are avarious ways of expressing them - thoughts posted as tweets, pictures of OOTDs or even as personal shares of TMI. You know, those times when you read or see something you wish you could erase from your memory. Make them unseen.
      But you can't.
     Within this statement I wanted to point out fact that you choose the information you see. TV program, your friend who gossips or co-worker who gets into personal subjects when you can either ignore it or answer to it. I tend to get myself in unpleasant situations. And I had started to think that I don't have a choice. But I rather make myself seem rude than become a person who hates life just because of having the wrong people around. 
     Everything in life is just a bunch of choices. Recently I made one that at first seemed like a crazy idea, but it ended up becoming the highlight of this Summer. Travelling a little.
     Right now I really badly would want to go on backpack trip through Europe. 
     Even if it sounds quite crazy. Not knowing much, having nothing much on me.
     Yet, I am expecting another huge order from internet shopping. And thinking how silly I am within my consumer needs. Buying stuff for no understandable reason.
     I end up saying that it's just girl's life, wanting things. Because pretty things and wishlists seem as never-ending thing. 
     At the same time my eco inner part tries to talk me out of this. Because seriously, there are so many useless things that shouldn't be made and had. The Earth can't just accept everything we didn't need to have.      All our mistakes.
     Yet we have all this time, this time of life, to try our best of spending it.
     What matters is doing what you love. Yet being respectful to others around and the nature. Whole environment. 
     Now I am off to read two books that have been on my desk and to-do list for a while.
     And yet it all is just another wish to stop the time. I used to think I am responsible person. Yet all I do is just waste my time. Ugh. But I am nice at least. I try to.

Saturday, 5 July 2014

4th July

     There are so many days when I want to write. And I do. Just that they end up being personal messages or some scattered papers I use that I end up loosing, forgetting and never rediscovering. I can't not to write. Yet somehow I have abandoned this place, which I mailny made as my digital notebook. To place and put a leash to the chaos happening in my head. Lately I have been trying to watch more of films, I just saw Lust, Caution (2007). If you are disturbed by people anatomy don't watch it, it's quite revealing. It makes me wonder how do even those actors are okay with being in such scenes. But overall, it was a unusual story of a girl who became a spy and actually felt for the guy who she was after. It happens. And it even has a name for it as stated in this silly Disney related picture here. Anyway.
       I am best known for being able to move from one subject to another in just one line and then losing my point completely. And here I went again. I started with just writing how I want to write and ended up mentioning film I probably shouldn't. I actually read about it on a magazine and it was a list of sensual&sexual films. It was a women magazine. And the name or director caught me in this one. The more films I watch, the more used to certain styles of films I get used to, because the directors seem to have their way on how to tell visually those stories, and the more you watch one of them in many films, even if you don't analyze, you will get to the point to seeing some similarities, which to me is overly pleasing for no real reason at all.
     And what I am listening to is Jagwar Ma on youtube. On replay. Tapping it. On phone as I am writing these paragraphs. I even do this thing that I don't finish one, I just keep writing in one then start next one, then go back, then start another thought. And it gets messy. Another replay. Weird how these days a lot of words start with ''re'' like things can't be new any longer, they are all repeats of replicas. Ugh.
     It's that point when everything seem already done and I am just unsure what my own experience means. When there are millions of phographies around is it truly necessary to take another damn picture of Eiffel Tower, like isn't there enough of them posted online? But no, people still do it like it is some sort of proof for being there. Or maybe it's their private and beloved experience. I don't really know. I have been thinking about giving in a bit more of reading. Because my English is getting worse, my vocabulary so limited that I am unsure if I may express my thoughts fully. Though, sometimes it's not even possible in native language, when one wishes to say something and can't seem to find the right words. Today I felt so socially awkward to look up this book titled How to Win Friends and Influence People, I don't recall where I heard about it, but now I (thought) found it's pdf and was so confused seeing it as an artsy piece rather than a nicely written method/step book on how to become a less socially shy person and be like able to.. I don't even know why I tried okay :D But the book I got was actually rather thesis about it expressed as artsy images added to chapters and interpreted in ways. Very unusual. But I liked it, now I am unsure if I need the original as this one was nice as well :D Not in helping to deal with things, though - to have changes in your lifestyle, you literally need a change. In the way you deal with things, do them, re-do them, act.. Every small detail needs to changed. And I am like really badly handling everything. But I need a C H A N G E.
     Instead I may as always (it's been years) open my tumblr tab to keep starring at all those beautiful moments captured in images. And not even reblog them. Just stare. And now I went for a glass of water and a banana as I remembered that I didn't keep my word on eating one a day. I am always low on Iron in my blood tests, and this fruit is just the sweetest from all the options. So as it seems to myself I can't even make myself eat something I love everyday just because I should. My days are mixed and I seem sucked into a vortex where everything happens out there, but I am stuck here, in this place where time just passes by and I can't feel it. Inside these four walls.
      I had existencial crysis that made me have a little breakdown about a half an hour ago. That may be the reason that triggered me to write these few words. To me they are few, as they come so fast that I cannot even take a control over this. I should consider editing these before posting. For example sometimes I use abbreviations other times now, and those ' versions. And now I lost about an hour chatting on Skype and simultaneously watching Beauty related videos on youtube. I always look at them, adoring those gorgeous girls and their looks, but if the removing all those coats of makeup was made easier, I would follow. But it's just too annoying when it's night and you are tired to just bother. And leaving those chemicals to stay and be stored in your blood. Like it was the only way, as it seems from advertising, to make one feel pretty - yes, I want to get attention to ''feel'', it's not just about visual improvements, but it seems like makeup is empowering. It may give confidence, but then it will make you not feel okay without it, and living life being covered all the time. And I should have done other things rather than anything that I did. My whole life is a mess as there are so many decisions to make. And what do I do, just put one thing off after another. Great. And there goes another night.        

Saturday, 14 June 2014

June 14th

[this is me, on day after harsh presentation, dress you can't see is from ASOS, hair band is from Ebay, I never manage to look flawless on photos, I don't like my face, but even from back I couldn't take a neat shot]

     If you would ask me (like some of my friends did today) what have you been up to these days - I would probably just stutter something like -nothing much- and try to change subject. Because from my point of view, it seemed like I had succumbed in a time passing matter, not seeing any real actions made. Maybe this stage was my getting over the stress for presentation I had, which was important as it either made me graduate this year or not. Even though the result was bad, because I hadn't put as much effort as I should have, I passed. Unproud, but passed. I could actually also tell you a little about how I met my deadline few hours late - stressed, but lucky, and thanks to the kind people around, it all went fine, even though I had forgotten to sign my work, then had to get it back, and, of course, I couldn't find my pen in my bag as I was soo stressed, got to ask a random person for it, then when I put it down, happily went off, I appeared to had forgotten to include it's digital version within, so instead of calm day in bed I was craving I had to get up and again go there to make sure everything is okay. That whole process was tough, not even talking about looking a little back - when I was writing and struggling so much with myself, my lethargy, my apathy and fatigue, I couldn't make up any good ideas, my words weren't witty, fingers went numb and I was struggling more than ever. But I got my 16 thousand words, nicely placed references, but awful concept and conclusion - because at the end, I had nothing much left to say. It was the very last days, I did the most. Please, if you are reading this - never put off very long and crucial. Even more if 3 year long academic works depend on it.
     This pretty much sums up me being silly. Well, all I may say that this is lesson learnt, and I aspire to do more, do more on time. Following the deadlines. Here and further. But still, my creative flow, like this very moment when fingers just seem to either dance or play a happy melody on my laptop's keyboard - those moments happen at night or very early morning, before normal people wake up, far before breakfast. Currently it's still just 2 am. I have rain as my background and Bon Iver for good old time's sake. Oh, and another notification after another. Texting sometimes can become tiring, you know. I should just say that guy I would rather go to sleep. But that would be lying, because I will probably be up for hours. I just dislike communcating with people at nights who don't follow up my philosohpy and rather speak about practical things. I somehow aspire to have artistic people as my friends and closest ones, even though I barely am one of them. Assuming I am just an admirer who wants to get a closer look. My friend made me a deal to step out from my comfort zone, you see, I have been wanting to try out youtube. As to talk. Create video, edit, see how it goes, if it even goes anywhere. Wow, so much of just wanting to try and yet not doing it. So, my friend knows how eager I am, she however has a talent for drawing, her work is truly amazing, but since she moved to another country, started working a regular, simple job, she had given up on it. But she needs to practice, so she made me a deal, that she will restart as when I will make my first youtube video. In order to persuade her to continue drawing - I must try youtube :D
     Also - that guy just texted me that I am such a great friend who he wouldn't want to lose, when just two days ago he atempted to kiss me. Like that the hell, in that moment he ruined the possibilties of a healthy friendship with this affectionate feeling showing. Ugh. Sometimes (mostly) I truly don't understand guys. Why couldn't we just be friends who, yes, talk, trust and touch a little - like hugging. But no, one must try on going further. But then there are also those times when I meet a hot guy and he just automatically puts me as friend, and it goes on like that - I feel hurt at that moment, I know what it's like, but I don't go my whole life dwelling on that. Because relationships don't work as simply as picking one person from crowd and being like - hey, yes, you, I am talking with you, come here and I will just kidnap you and call mine :D - Why things have to be that complicated. But then again, maybe I have just been unlucky. I admire those people who have each other for years and even whole lifetime. So far to me it seems like a mission impossible. But maybe it's just because I have been unlucky, appreciating anyone who seemed to care a little about me. For a while.
     And now I am thinking whenever I should or shouldn't go to the graduation's part with those silly gown and hat. I really wonder what it all that idea behind why did people even start having such special outfits for those graduating events. I may or may not do a research on that subject. And I may or may not post it here this weekend, who knows. Even though I intented to create this daily based, then every other, then weekly thing, it hasn't worked out. As one of my friends said - blogging shouldn't be scheduled, it should be done when you feel like it. It should be done more often. At those times when I actually see you, yes, you, wandering here, as statistics show, several hundred of you, for no intention, no reason, it makes me a little nervous. The fact that here is no brand new content to read. The fact that this isn't even meant for attention purposes. I just wanted a place where to write things down, you know. Because writing on paper never turns out to be as elegant as this sound of typing on keyboard is. With a tune of Coldplay - Magic. This is a bit of a magical moment. It's 3 am. A nice moment to put a dot. And wave a goodbye till another day, another late night post.

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

7th May

1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7

Oh my gosh, I finally learnt how to create a GIF from images on Photoshop.
This looks nothing special, but to get it in this way, and transparent - it took me forever. But I surely will be creating more of them [:

This post was meant as a tiny and late reminder of Mother's day. You know, it's around a corner (weekend), and I as usually will probably get mine a belated gift. Because I always forget unless I manage to buy things ahead of time. Or maybe I will just go and get her some treats on local Body Shop or Lush (or both). Those are a life saver for any last-minute gifting moments, am I right?
And treatment beauty stuff is favourite to everyone, because it's not just about looks, it's also about how we and our body feel. And taking a day off just to pamper yourself should be done every now and then. It's worth it, and this time, we should remind it to our moms, who are always busy, making things alright and often, very often, putting themselves on second (or even third place).
So let's use this upcoming date to create a day that will be filled with niceness, treats and lovely happenings. At least a bouquet of fresh flowers would be needed.

I wish the online shopping shipping time was shorter, otherwise it means a lot of planning ahead. Though, you know, there are several sales going on right now, because of this special day.
My mother is still sceptical about online shopping, but I will tell you one thing - even if you don't know the size or aren't sure about the fitting of clothes, you can always choose accessories, espeically - necklaces. There can never be too many of them, I assure you.

So let's celebrate our most special women's in our lifes with having a little bit (or a lot of a) celebrating this Sunday x At least a day free of work is what our special one deserves.
(scene from film Marie Antoinette (2006), if you haven't seen it, you should)

Thursday, 1 May 2014

1st May

     I also needed to mention something that cheered me up. You may have noticed I feature Romwe quite a lot on my posts, but it's because they have awesome sales now and then, I can't stop myself from getting more and more stuff from the store. The (mostly) cheap prices and especially the offers now and then makes it so great. So the big news are - soon, starting on May 2nd a new and AH-MAZING sale is coming - a lot of clothes for only 9.99$ 
     To celebrate the great holiday, there will be launched ROMWE Hottest&Biggest flash sale from May 2nd to 4th in 2014. The original price of these 653 design clothes is about $30. Now they sell them at $9.99. Free shipping! Click the following link to buy!

     I already go my eyes on these pretty things - the white overalls (overly unpractical, but all-white is so in), that pretty dress, and laced jacket. And Klimt's Kiss, and nice sporty 86th tee. And the leggings - I already have the ones in middle, galaxy ones, they remind of jeans and are comfy and I have been eying the cathedral print ones for ages, I guess this sale will be the time to finally get them. 

30th April

     I sort of again gave up on the idea of blogging. I even quite have failed my movie list. I have so many days missed as I was busy with writing (and still should be), so now I fill my past gaps, but yet have nothing for the ''now'' part. Just, ugh. There are those days when everything falls out of my hands (like today, quite literally) and now, as I write this at midnight, it seems that it has even fallen apart. Oh, gosh, I try and fail on my ways of putting my life together for at least short period of time. Instead I feel tired, and so I think I will just sleep one full day, it turns out in whole weekend and then I realise that a whole damn week has passed since the day I wanted to take just 24 hours off from life. 
     I have started to think that I am ill, but I have no word to use for it, no diagnosis. But this evening I felt like replying Repulsion (great film, btw) scenes where walls seem to attack, the claustrophobic feeling when everything is just too much. And yet I can't put my word on what is that concept of everything- I keep mentioning over and over again. 
     I take pictures, but have no willing to edit them, I put my makeup on, but have no willing to meet anyone. I was about to - but the two arranged meetings this week didn't happen. It's totally not a good sign, if you ask me. I have left a film on other tab and even though I have been doing nothing much, haven't got enough strength to just watch it. Did you even know that to watch something it's sometimes not enough with just being. Or maybe I am just drifting away on my mind. Or from it.
     There are times when I become scared of myself a little. Everyone may turn out being destructive, it's like we all have the power of creating and also tearing down anything, especilaly ourselves. We could be doing so much at this very moment. People should be motivated a lot more, because the most precious thing we have, is time. You will understand it more as you grow up, meeting someone becomes impossible within all the schedules, plans and vacations. Every day, each of the hours seem limited to the point where meeting in person isn't ordinary. It's a fcking miracle for two people to have spare time on the same date. It bothers me more than anything. Why it just can't be like in old times, when we could put everything off, just to be with each other. When now we just tell our stories to one other through instagram and facebook posts, instead of talking directly. 
     I have basically done nothing today. I went out only for a walk. I didn't watch anything, read anything, write. All I did was a bit of time spending on social media (and by little I really do little, it was roughly few hours), I didn't even spend whole day eating. But the time is lost, and no one can ever give it back to me. Within this post, I want to say - it matters what you do today, even if this is the last strength, like mine, it matters to do as much as you may, already now. We don't know how much time we have. And others as well. Appreciate more, that's how I will end this x

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

15th April

     I will keep this short, even though I am in the busy mood when I barely have a spare minute today, I still went for checking what's new on my 3 favourite online shops, and guess what - Romwe is having a massive sale. I again went for some new leggings (like I didn't have enough), I know they aren't on trend anymore, but they are comfy and there are several for less than 7$, so I think it's a real bargain.

Happy Easter Sale day on Romwe 
Up to 75%off. Hurry up!
More than 1000 styles. There is always a suitable one for you! 
Start from Apr 15th, end on Apr 22nd.
Shipping within 24 hours.

     By the way, the white lace blouse in 3D embroidery will be $11.99 on April 17th, save 64%.
Beginning at 1:00am GMT April 17th,
Sale on this top will last only 24 hours, limited pieces available.
PLUS on 17th April you may also use this coupon 10offwhitelace to get even more 10% off the price. I am totally saving the date and getting that gorgeous lace top [:

White Lace Blouse

Sunday, 13 April 2014

13th April

       I am going through that phase of pure desperation. I have a deadline next week, and I have put myself in a huge trouble aka needing to so such a huge amount of work that requires far more time than I have got now. Which puts me in a situation when now I need to work my ass off - pardon my french - but seriously, everything is falling apart and the main thing that makesme so worried are the people that are sure that I am nearly letting down. It's so stressful, the pressure, the time. And you know what I do - I end up oversleeping and feeling so tired when I have barely went out. Like what the F. I have been wasting time a lot. A lot. And it's not that I regret it - I saw tons of amazing films, read some fiction books, went out, met people and so. The problem is that in spare time of the fun activities I didn't manage to put at least a bit of effort in creating this whole huge paper, I need to.
       And yet, what is even worse - I don't know if this feeling I have is a regret. I rather am not satfisfied for the fact that I am even going through this all process. I could say that university made me more cultivated/cultural, as I broadened my views, got a lot of information, read many interesting theories and developed more structured criticizing skills, but then again, what I need to do now, as what is my final mark to get, I don't think that this one will do as what it's supposed - describe my work within all long three years of studying. Like all that I did before, all those sleepless nights and stress, and tears - as it was nothing. As just this last thing I do is so important. I truly hate this fact about education. But then again, what would I be doing without all that I have gone through? I don't know. There are no time machines (as far as I know) so I can't change what I had chosen, but if I could re-live the past years I would have given up on this. As I said, I got through a lot of things and proved myself that I can achieve a lot, by just trying. And I worked hard and it felt rewarding, though I barely got anything for that. Even the knowledge sometimes was less meaningful than the fact that -gosh, tomorrow's deadline for this essay, so I must write - and then ending up just babbling around few subjects on numerous pages and trying to keep it somewhat argumented.
       Yet I don't know why am I even typing these words here instead of trying the sophisticated style matter on my Ms Word document that just stands here, reminding of it's existing and making me so, so sad. I felt like I needed to write these feelings somewhere and this place had became like my online journal. So for this reason, I am publishing it. Even though, it's barely anyone's business or that no one would just care about it. Because, let's be honest, these are my problems, that are actually minor compared to a lot of things people go through these days. It's just the academic stuff which doesn't even offer anything. I don't know why am I just sitting here thinking about it all as something bad yet continuing it. It's weird how we, people, have the chance to change our lifes any minute. Any minute. And instead we just continue doing what we don't like, giving a shit about people who don't even like us, trying to make image and reputation of ourselves and lying that we are fine when aren't and then being mad as no one cares how we feel. I have some close friends with who I can often talk those things off, as we share each other's life. But some days like today I just don't feel like they or anyone would understand. My mates from university though could relate, if they actually had put themselves in so crazy situation. I know some who really did nothing till last weeks. But are they still empty paged today, I don't know. I am quite worried to know. About what will happen to them if they aren't, or a bit mad at myself for not doing what I should asap. I had months for this. Instead I am fighting now for limited hours. What have I put myself through for no reason.
       I haven't spoken a single word today, wanted to write that down for the history of me. It actually feels quite nice. But it is only possible if there is limited amount of time that you may avoid. In a typical going-somewhere day it wouldn't be possble. Not that I could say for barely-known people about how I am losing my piece of mind. Again this comes in a circle, doesn't it. That stupid what-society-others-will-think moment. I just wanted to spend the rest of my life watching films, reading, starring out of the window, going for walks, meeting people in coffe shops, cinema visits, writing for no particular need, have a cat and maybe a dog, and maybe a person who would be nice to me, and you know, just be. Instead we have to pay for living on this planet. It wasn't my choice to be born, why it should be my duty to earn and pay the living? I think it's weird.
       On other note - now need to head back to Ms Word and type my fingers off - if there is such expression. Because thousands of words need to come and the hours are limited. And I just need to write it. Some days ago I even made a huge list on A4 page as the reasons for doing it. Yet I chose sleeping at nights. Silly me. But now, whatever happens, even if apocalypse starts - I will be writing and writing, and writing... Till I finish it. 
       Anyway, it's not yet that warm here, but I already had the chance to pick up some of my favourite wild flowers. I don't know how they are called in English, Google translated them as anemones, but, frankly, putting anemones on search on image tab - those are some other flowers, ugh, like these pretty tiny lilac cuties wouldn't deserve their own pretty name. Oh well. They at least made me smile a bit. If i wouldn't be for them and my twitter addiction, I would barely smile these days. But I still have these pretty flowers in a different little vase and fact that they exist makes me a little happier. Yes, the picture feature my sister's pink slipper, which I didn't notice as I was taking the photo, but I think, as I look at picture now, it fits in the composition.