Sunday, 13 April 2014

13th April

       I am going through that phase of pure desperation. I have a deadline next week, and I have put myself in a huge trouble aka needing to so such a huge amount of work that requires far more time than I have got now. Which puts me in a situation when now I need to work my ass off - pardon my french - but seriously, everything is falling apart and the main thing that makesme so worried are the people that are sure that I am nearly letting down. It's so stressful, the pressure, the time. And you know what I do - I end up oversleeping and feeling so tired when I have barely went out. Like what the F. I have been wasting time a lot. A lot. And it's not that I regret it - I saw tons of amazing films, read some fiction books, went out, met people and so. The problem is that in spare time of the fun activities I didn't manage to put at least a bit of effort in creating this whole huge paper, I need to.
       And yet, what is even worse - I don't know if this feeling I have is a regret. I rather am not satfisfied for the fact that I am even going through this all process. I could say that university made me more cultivated/cultural, as I broadened my views, got a lot of information, read many interesting theories and developed more structured criticizing skills, but then again, what I need to do now, as what is my final mark to get, I don't think that this one will do as what it's supposed - describe my work within all long three years of studying. Like all that I did before, all those sleepless nights and stress, and tears - as it was nothing. As just this last thing I do is so important. I truly hate this fact about education. But then again, what would I be doing without all that I have gone through? I don't know. There are no time machines (as far as I know) so I can't change what I had chosen, but if I could re-live the past years I would have given up on this. As I said, I got through a lot of things and proved myself that I can achieve a lot, by just trying. And I worked hard and it felt rewarding, though I barely got anything for that. Even the knowledge sometimes was less meaningful than the fact that -gosh, tomorrow's deadline for this essay, so I must write - and then ending up just babbling around few subjects on numerous pages and trying to keep it somewhat argumented.
       Yet I don't know why am I even typing these words here instead of trying the sophisticated style matter on my Ms Word document that just stands here, reminding of it's existing and making me so, so sad. I felt like I needed to write these feelings somewhere and this place had became like my online journal. So for this reason, I am publishing it. Even though, it's barely anyone's business or that no one would just care about it. Because, let's be honest, these are my problems, that are actually minor compared to a lot of things people go through these days. It's just the academic stuff which doesn't even offer anything. I don't know why am I just sitting here thinking about it all as something bad yet continuing it. It's weird how we, people, have the chance to change our lifes any minute. Any minute. And instead we just continue doing what we don't like, giving a shit about people who don't even like us, trying to make image and reputation of ourselves and lying that we are fine when aren't and then being mad as no one cares how we feel. I have some close friends with who I can often talk those things off, as we share each other's life. But some days like today I just don't feel like they or anyone would understand. My mates from university though could relate, if they actually had put themselves in so crazy situation. I know some who really did nothing till last weeks. But are they still empty paged today, I don't know. I am quite worried to know. About what will happen to them if they aren't, or a bit mad at myself for not doing what I should asap. I had months for this. Instead I am fighting now for limited hours. What have I put myself through for no reason.
       I haven't spoken a single word today, wanted to write that down for the history of me. It actually feels quite nice. But it is only possible if there is limited amount of time that you may avoid. In a typical going-somewhere day it wouldn't be possble. Not that I could say for barely-known people about how I am losing my piece of mind. Again this comes in a circle, doesn't it. That stupid what-society-others-will-think moment. I just wanted to spend the rest of my life watching films, reading, starring out of the window, going for walks, meeting people in coffe shops, cinema visits, writing for no particular need, have a cat and maybe a dog, and maybe a person who would be nice to me, and you know, just be. Instead we have to pay for living on this planet. It wasn't my choice to be born, why it should be my duty to earn and pay the living? I think it's weird.
       On other note - now need to head back to Ms Word and type my fingers off - if there is such expression. Because thousands of words need to come and the hours are limited. And I just need to write it. Some days ago I even made a huge list on A4 page as the reasons for doing it. Yet I chose sleeping at nights. Silly me. But now, whatever happens, even if apocalypse starts - I will be writing and writing, and writing... Till I finish it. 
       Anyway, it's not yet that warm here, but I already had the chance to pick up some of my favourite wild flowers. I don't know how they are called in English, Google translated them as anemones, but, frankly, putting anemones on search on image tab - those are some other flowers, ugh, like these pretty tiny lilac cuties wouldn't deserve their own pretty name. Oh well. They at least made me smile a bit. If i wouldn't be for them and my twitter addiction, I would barely smile these days. But I still have these pretty flowers in a different little vase and fact that they exist makes me a little happier. Yes, the picture feature my sister's pink slipper, which I didn't notice as I was taking the photo, but I think, as I look at picture now, it fits in the composition.