Thursday, 1 May 2014

30th April

     I sort of again gave up on the idea of blogging. I even quite have failed my movie list. I have so many days missed as I was busy with writing (and still should be), so now I fill my past gaps, but yet have nothing for the ''now'' part. Just, ugh. There are those days when everything falls out of my hands (like today, quite literally) and now, as I write this at midnight, it seems that it has even fallen apart. Oh, gosh, I try and fail on my ways of putting my life together for at least short period of time. Instead I feel tired, and so I think I will just sleep one full day, it turns out in whole weekend and then I realise that a whole damn week has passed since the day I wanted to take just 24 hours off from life. 
     I have started to think that I am ill, but I have no word to use for it, no diagnosis. But this evening I felt like replying Repulsion (great film, btw) scenes where walls seem to attack, the claustrophobic feeling when everything is just too much. And yet I can't put my word on what is that concept of everything- I keep mentioning over and over again. 
     I take pictures, but have no willing to edit them, I put my makeup on, but have no willing to meet anyone. I was about to - but the two arranged meetings this week didn't happen. It's totally not a good sign, if you ask me. I have left a film on other tab and even though I have been doing nothing much, haven't got enough strength to just watch it. Did you even know that to watch something it's sometimes not enough with just being. Or maybe I am just drifting away on my mind. Or from it.
     There are times when I become scared of myself a little. Everyone may turn out being destructive, it's like we all have the power of creating and also tearing down anything, especilaly ourselves. We could be doing so much at this very moment. People should be motivated a lot more, because the most precious thing we have, is time. You will understand it more as you grow up, meeting someone becomes impossible within all the schedules, plans and vacations. Every day, each of the hours seem limited to the point where meeting in person isn't ordinary. It's a fcking miracle for two people to have spare time on the same date. It bothers me more than anything. Why it just can't be like in old times, when we could put everything off, just to be with each other. When now we just tell our stories to one other through instagram and facebook posts, instead of talking directly. 
     I have basically done nothing today. I went out only for a walk. I didn't watch anything, read anything, write. All I did was a bit of time spending on social media (and by little I really do little, it was roughly few hours), I didn't even spend whole day eating. But the time is lost, and no one can ever give it back to me. Within this post, I want to say - it matters what you do today, even if this is the last strength, like mine, it matters to do as much as you may, already now. We don't know how much time we have. And others as well. Appreciate more, that's how I will end this x

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