Saturday, 14 June 2014

June 14th

[this is me, on day after harsh presentation, dress you can't see is from ASOS, hair band is from Ebay, I never manage to look flawless on photos, I don't like my face, but even from back I couldn't take a neat shot]

     If you would ask me (like some of my friends did today) what have you been up to these days - I would probably just stutter something like -nothing much- and try to change subject. Because from my point of view, it seemed like I had succumbed in a time passing matter, not seeing any real actions made. Maybe this stage was my getting over the stress for presentation I had, which was important as it either made me graduate this year or not. Even though the result was bad, because I hadn't put as much effort as I should have, I passed. Unproud, but passed. I could actually also tell you a little about how I met my deadline few hours late - stressed, but lucky, and thanks to the kind people around, it all went fine, even though I had forgotten to sign my work, then had to get it back, and, of course, I couldn't find my pen in my bag as I was soo stressed, got to ask a random person for it, then when I put it down, happily went off, I appeared to had forgotten to include it's digital version within, so instead of calm day in bed I was craving I had to get up and again go there to make sure everything is okay. That whole process was tough, not even talking about looking a little back - when I was writing and struggling so much with myself, my lethargy, my apathy and fatigue, I couldn't make up any good ideas, my words weren't witty, fingers went numb and I was struggling more than ever. But I got my 16 thousand words, nicely placed references, but awful concept and conclusion - because at the end, I had nothing much left to say. It was the very last days, I did the most. Please, if you are reading this - never put off very long and crucial. Even more if 3 year long academic works depend on it.
     This pretty much sums up me being silly. Well, all I may say that this is lesson learnt, and I aspire to do more, do more on time. Following the deadlines. Here and further. But still, my creative flow, like this very moment when fingers just seem to either dance or play a happy melody on my laptop's keyboard - those moments happen at night or very early morning, before normal people wake up, far before breakfast. Currently it's still just 2 am. I have rain as my background and Bon Iver for good old time's sake. Oh, and another notification after another. Texting sometimes can become tiring, you know. I should just say that guy I would rather go to sleep. But that would be lying, because I will probably be up for hours. I just dislike communcating with people at nights who don't follow up my philosohpy and rather speak about practical things. I somehow aspire to have artistic people as my friends and closest ones, even though I barely am one of them. Assuming I am just an admirer who wants to get a closer look. My friend made me a deal to step out from my comfort zone, you see, I have been wanting to try out youtube. As to talk. Create video, edit, see how it goes, if it even goes anywhere. Wow, so much of just wanting to try and yet not doing it. So, my friend knows how eager I am, she however has a talent for drawing, her work is truly amazing, but since she moved to another country, started working a regular, simple job, she had given up on it. But she needs to practice, so she made me a deal, that she will restart as when I will make my first youtube video. In order to persuade her to continue drawing - I must try youtube :D
     Also - that guy just texted me that I am such a great friend who he wouldn't want to lose, when just two days ago he atempted to kiss me. Like that the hell, in that moment he ruined the possibilties of a healthy friendship with this affectionate feeling showing. Ugh. Sometimes (mostly) I truly don't understand guys. Why couldn't we just be friends who, yes, talk, trust and touch a little - like hugging. But no, one must try on going further. But then there are also those times when I meet a hot guy and he just automatically puts me as friend, and it goes on like that - I feel hurt at that moment, I know what it's like, but I don't go my whole life dwelling on that. Because relationships don't work as simply as picking one person from crowd and being like - hey, yes, you, I am talking with you, come here and I will just kidnap you and call mine :D - Why things have to be that complicated. But then again, maybe I have just been unlucky. I admire those people who have each other for years and even whole lifetime. So far to me it seems like a mission impossible. But maybe it's just because I have been unlucky, appreciating anyone who seemed to care a little about me. For a while.
     And now I am thinking whenever I should or shouldn't go to the graduation's part with those silly gown and hat. I really wonder what it all that idea behind why did people even start having such special outfits for those graduating events. I may or may not do a research on that subject. And I may or may not post it here this weekend, who knows. Even though I intented to create this daily based, then every other, then weekly thing, it hasn't worked out. As one of my friends said - blogging shouldn't be scheduled, it should be done when you feel like it. It should be done more often. At those times when I actually see you, yes, you, wandering here, as statistics show, several hundred of you, for no intention, no reason, it makes me a little nervous. The fact that here is no brand new content to read. The fact that this isn't even meant for attention purposes. I just wanted a place where to write things down, you know. Because writing on paper never turns out to be as elegant as this sound of typing on keyboard is. With a tune of Coldplay - Magic. This is a bit of a magical moment. It's 3 am. A nice moment to put a dot. And wave a goodbye till another day, another late night post.

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