Saturday, 5 July 2014

4th July

     There are so many days when I want to write. And I do. Just that they end up being personal messages or some scattered papers I use that I end up loosing, forgetting and never rediscovering. I can't not to write. Yet somehow I have abandoned this place, which I mailny made as my digital notebook. To place and put a leash to the chaos happening in my head. Lately I have been trying to watch more of films, I just saw Lust, Caution (2007). If you are disturbed by people anatomy don't watch it, it's quite revealing. It makes me wonder how do even those actors are okay with being in such scenes. But overall, it was a unusual story of a girl who became a spy and actually felt for the guy who she was after. It happens. And it even has a name for it as stated in this silly Disney related picture here. Anyway.
       I am best known for being able to move from one subject to another in just one line and then losing my point completely. And here I went again. I started with just writing how I want to write and ended up mentioning film I probably shouldn't. I actually read about it on a magazine and it was a list of sensual&sexual films. It was a women magazine. And the name or director caught me in this one. The more films I watch, the more used to certain styles of films I get used to, because the directors seem to have their way on how to tell visually those stories, and the more you watch one of them in many films, even if you don't analyze, you will get to the point to seeing some similarities, which to me is overly pleasing for no real reason at all.
     And what I am listening to is Jagwar Ma on youtube. On replay. Tapping it. On phone as I am writing these paragraphs. I even do this thing that I don't finish one, I just keep writing in one then start next one, then go back, then start another thought. And it gets messy. Another replay. Weird how these days a lot of words start with ''re'' like things can't be new any longer, they are all repeats of replicas. Ugh.
     It's that point when everything seem already done and I am just unsure what my own experience means. When there are millions of phographies around is it truly necessary to take another damn picture of Eiffel Tower, like isn't there enough of them posted online? But no, people still do it like it is some sort of proof for being there. Or maybe it's their private and beloved experience. I don't really know. I have been thinking about giving in a bit more of reading. Because my English is getting worse, my vocabulary so limited that I am unsure if I may express my thoughts fully. Though, sometimes it's not even possible in native language, when one wishes to say something and can't seem to find the right words. Today I felt so socially awkward to look up this book titled How to Win Friends and Influence People, I don't recall where I heard about it, but now I (thought) found it's pdf and was so confused seeing it as an artsy piece rather than a nicely written method/step book on how to become a less socially shy person and be like able to.. I don't even know why I tried okay :D But the book I got was actually rather thesis about it expressed as artsy images added to chapters and interpreted in ways. Very unusual. But I liked it, now I am unsure if I need the original as this one was nice as well :D Not in helping to deal with things, though - to have changes in your lifestyle, you literally need a change. In the way you deal with things, do them, re-do them, act.. Every small detail needs to changed. And I am like really badly handling everything. But I need a C H A N G E.
     Instead I may as always (it's been years) open my tumblr tab to keep starring at all those beautiful moments captured in images. And not even reblog them. Just stare. And now I went for a glass of water and a banana as I remembered that I didn't keep my word on eating one a day. I am always low on Iron in my blood tests, and this fruit is just the sweetest from all the options. So as it seems to myself I can't even make myself eat something I love everyday just because I should. My days are mixed and I seem sucked into a vortex where everything happens out there, but I am stuck here, in this place where time just passes by and I can't feel it. Inside these four walls.
      I had existencial crysis that made me have a little breakdown about a half an hour ago. That may be the reason that triggered me to write these few words. To me they are few, as they come so fast that I cannot even take a control over this. I should consider editing these before posting. For example sometimes I use abbreviations other times now, and those ' versions. And now I lost about an hour chatting on Skype and simultaneously watching Beauty related videos on youtube. I always look at them, adoring those gorgeous girls and their looks, but if the removing all those coats of makeup was made easier, I would follow. But it's just too annoying when it's night and you are tired to just bother. And leaving those chemicals to stay and be stored in your blood. Like it was the only way, as it seems from advertising, to make one feel pretty - yes, I want to get attention to ''feel'', it's not just about visual improvements, but it seems like makeup is empowering. It may give confidence, but then it will make you not feel okay without it, and living life being covered all the time. And I should have done other things rather than anything that I did. My whole life is a mess as there are so many decisions to make. And what do I do, just put one thing off after another. Great. And there goes another night.        


  1. Ahh, es pavisam noteikti saprotu ko tu domā ar angļu valodas zināšanu pasliktināšanos- man arī ir tāpat! :( Skolā mēs tikām riktīgi dresēti & mācījāmies angļu valodu vismaz 5 vai stundas nedēļā ( Rīgas Angļu ģimnāzijas prieki), bet tagad tākā 3 gadu mācos universitātē daudzas lietas ļoti piemirstas! :/